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I am not feeling well. Rather distraught, actually. I thought I was angry, but now I'm not sure if it's that or frustration or sadness or WHAT. Maybe boredom? Somehow it always seems that I tend to go a little bonkers on my days off (like today) when I don't have an extremely rigid schedule to stick to. I almost prefer being at work to days like this.
I just want to get OUT OF HERE. When I say that, I don't know if I mean out of this room, out of this town, out of this life or what. I just feel like somehow I need to escape something. It is a distressing feeling. I don't feel hopeless, but more like I am fully capable of doing what I need to do for myself but I CAN'T because I am trying not to upset any other balances that may hinge on any of my personal actions. Does that even make sense???
Honestly, I don't really think I even have a point here. I just feel so generally frustrated and upset that I need to vent a little bit, and this was pretty handy since I am dinking around on the computer ALL THE TIME anyway.
I felt really bad this weekend when Jon was here. I got that same feeling that I get once in a while that I'm just not very much fun for him. He denies that, but what if he is just being polite? What if he is IN denial and doesn't realize how dull I really am compared to someone like him??? Seriously, what can he see in me? What is so appealing about me? He is so creative and colorful in his life, and I am just so boring and bookish and DULL. I still wonder if he really even knows me. What he thinks he knows about me. What he has fooled himself into believing about me.
Why do I still find myself plagued by these same doubts again and again? Why don't they stop? Why do I feel so insecure regarding him and me? Why haven't I felt this pathetic in relation to anyone else EVER?? God I wish it would stop. I want everything to go away. I want to start over somewhere. Maybe it will help if I can get my own place sometime hopefully soon. I am really a pretty private person, I like having my private space and all that. Maybe that day will come again soon. Maybe when that happens I will be able to get everything back in perspective. All I feel like doing lately is just holing up in my room, hiding out in my own little space. Hell, that's really all I've felt like doing since I moved in here. It's the closest I can get to having my "own place" right now. It's not that I have a problem with Inga, she's a great girl, but somehow I can't seem to funtcion properly unless I'm alone a hell of a lot of the time.
Where am I going with all this? I just seem to keep rambling on and on with no end in sight. I'm sure I'll stop typing soon, since I have to go to bed like 10 minutes ago.
I found 7 apartments on Apartments.com in Roseville and New Brighton so far. They are really nice. Some of them are almost what I'd call amazing. A few are 2-bdrm 1.5-bath, but no 2-baths. Still, all under $900. I have also been tossing around the idea of still getting a place all by myself. Inga suggested both of us moving into her friend's old place but it's an older place in Minneapolis, which I'd really like to avoid if possible. Her original plan was to go to the cities after school anyway, I had made up my mind to go to the cities quite a while ago independently too... Maybe it would be better if we did just split our paths this fall and strike out seperately? I have a specific area I would prefer to be in so that I can be closer to Jon and closer to the job I hope to get in Shoreview. Plus, I really do like the northern suburbs... it's a pleasant area! Inga has her people and her connections down there that might be in different areas, and that's ok too. I guess she has her reasons for wanting to be in certain places, and I'm not going to force her to stay away from those. I don't know. We'll have to talk more about it and figure out what would work best.
Well, I better get to bed. I have to work Friday-Monday and then I get Tuesday off. I hate these stupid working weekends. At least I get paid tomorrow. *sigh*...
Good night world.
I just want to get OUT OF HERE. When I say that, I don't know if I mean out of this room, out of this town, out of this life or what. I just feel like somehow I need to escape something. It is a distressing feeling. I don't feel hopeless, but more like I am fully capable of doing what I need to do for myself but I CAN'T because I am trying not to upset any other balances that may hinge on any of my personal actions. Does that even make sense???
Honestly, I don't really think I even have a point here. I just feel so generally frustrated and upset that I need to vent a little bit, and this was pretty handy since I am dinking around on the computer ALL THE TIME anyway.
I felt really bad this weekend when Jon was here. I got that same feeling that I get once in a while that I'm just not very much fun for him. He denies that, but what if he is just being polite? What if he is IN denial and doesn't realize how dull I really am compared to someone like him??? Seriously, what can he see in me? What is so appealing about me? He is so creative and colorful in his life, and I am just so boring and bookish and DULL. I still wonder if he really even knows me. What he thinks he knows about me. What he has fooled himself into believing about me.
Why do I still find myself plagued by these same doubts again and again? Why don't they stop? Why do I feel so insecure regarding him and me? Why haven't I felt this pathetic in relation to anyone else EVER?? God I wish it would stop. I want everything to go away. I want to start over somewhere. Maybe it will help if I can get my own place sometime hopefully soon. I am really a pretty private person, I like having my private space and all that. Maybe that day will come again soon. Maybe when that happens I will be able to get everything back in perspective. All I feel like doing lately is just holing up in my room, hiding out in my own little space. Hell, that's really all I've felt like doing since I moved in here. It's the closest I can get to having my "own place" right now. It's not that I have a problem with Inga, she's a great girl, but somehow I can't seem to funtcion properly unless I'm alone a hell of a lot of the time.
Where am I going with all this? I just seem to keep rambling on and on with no end in sight. I'm sure I'll stop typing soon, since I have to go to bed like 10 minutes ago.
I found 7 apartments on Apartments.com in Roseville and New Brighton so far. They are really nice. Some of them are almost what I'd call amazing. A few are 2-bdrm 1.5-bath, but no 2-baths. Still, all under $900. I have also been tossing around the idea of still getting a place all by myself. Inga suggested both of us moving into her friend's old place but it's an older place in Minneapolis, which I'd really like to avoid if possible. Her original plan was to go to the cities after school anyway, I had made up my mind to go to the cities quite a while ago independently too... Maybe it would be better if we did just split our paths this fall and strike out seperately? I have a specific area I would prefer to be in so that I can be closer to Jon and closer to the job I hope to get in Shoreview. Plus, I really do like the northern suburbs... it's a pleasant area! Inga has her people and her connections down there that might be in different areas, and that's ok too. I guess she has her reasons for wanting to be in certain places, and I'm not going to force her to stay away from those. I don't know. We'll have to talk more about it and figure out what would work best.
Well, I better get to bed. I have to work Friday-Monday and then I get Tuesday off. I hate these stupid working weekends. At least I get paid tomorrow. *sigh*...
Good night world.
