Can't stop now
Feb. 13th, 2005 06:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ambericaSchool school school..... I NEED to go back to school. I like school. I like research. I like writing papers. I like doing presentations. If I had to be teaching undergrads during it all, I bet I'd like that too. Or else I'd find a way to tolerate it! I took a couple years off after high school because I knew I was not ready for college. I knew I would have skipped classes, not done the reading and work, and probably wasted away my student loan money on stupid crap. When I was 20, I was CRAVING education, so I went to college and excelled at it. I was ready. Once I got my degree, I partied for a while, went to NYC, came back, worked in my field which pays EXACTLY as bad as they say it does, worked in a few offices which paid a bit better (and offer benefits - w00t).... and now I am craving school again. I thrive in that world - the world of academia. I am happy, I am driven... I get stressed beyond belief and feel despair and hopelessness.... and then I suck it up and write the best paper I've ever done! It's exhilarating! Even the stress, I loved it. The pressure, I loved it. The grades, heck, how could I not love that! I worked my ASS off and really earned those grades. I got great feedback from my professors, and their respect, which I really treasure. I went against the normal - I did things in an unorthodox way, but I did it WELL, and was rewarded for it! How can you expect to make changes if you don't think outside the box?!
I need to re-take the GRE. I took it during my senior year, when I was busy with about 20 credits of upper-level courses, and just never got to study for it enough. It seriously is the stupidest thing I've ever seen though. They test things that I learned in high school, and never had to think about since then, nor will I ever really have to, especially in grad school. I mean, in archaeology, for instance, the ONLY math we need to know is what the diagonal on a 1 m sq. unit will be (1.414 m) .... I think it has something to do with Pythagorean theorem? And how to approximate measurements in cm and m, like for digging 5 cm arbitrary levels, or for pacing off approx. 25 m for doing a topo map or something. How am I supposed to remember all that crazy algebra and geometry, when I seriously hadn't used it in 7+ years? What does it have to do with my graduate work anyway? (Nothing, that's what.) But still, I'd like to score higher, unless I can get my acceptance guaranteed anyway. I need to talk to Jon's uncle who has friends in the linguistics dept. at U of M.....
Also, I never got the scores on my essays for the GRE. No idea why. No idea if any of the schools I had my test scores sent to got them either. I think they are supposed to arrive 6 weeks after taking the exam, but it's been what? a year and a half almost? Yeah, that's weird. And if I want "duplicate" test scores, I have to pay for them. Can't find a place on the website to answer "What if I never GOT them??" .... Again, I really should just contact the U and see if they ever got there.
I have a headache. I wish I had some spinach here. I'd make a salad.... with strawberries. Mmm. And a nice raspberry vinagrette. Damn, that's always one of my favorite salads. Maybe some sunflower seeds, too. Or slivered almonds. Mmmmmmmm.
OK, that's all I have to get off my chest for now. Even if I make up my mind RIGHT NOW that I will go back to school ASAP and get accepted and everything, the soonest I could start would be Fall semester of 2006..... so it'll be a while.... maybe I can get some of my other ducks in a row by then, too. Well, my ducks aren't really that unorganized... hmmm......
Wait, no, I have more! Breeding! What if I decide I want to have kids! I don't believe in daycare, and it would be hard to do graduate school and be a full time mother.... and let's assume I stay with Jon and he's the father (duh), I know he is willing to be a stay-at-home dad if that was ever the need, but I frankly don't think he could do the best job! heheh..... Not that he's incompetent or uncaring, but I have this need to be the Mama Bear in Control of the Homelife, and Head Home Administrator in Charge of All Childrearing and Household Activities.... or something. And he totally respects that, and would actually prefer that I do it simply because I'm GOOD at it (as opposed to him.) Yay me! But back to the point, it would be hard to be working on an advanced degree and probably teaching a few classes and parenting in the way that I believe parenting should be done in my household.
It's not as easy as saying I could get the degree and THEN start a family, because I am getting OLD dammit! I used to tell myself that I would be done having any and all children I will be having by age 30. That's looking less and less likely. I will be 28 at the end of this year, and am not even close to engaged, and then I would really like to have a few married years without kids, and THEN start breeding. The longest relationship I was in was 3 years or so with Darren, and if that had worked out, I'd be on the right track. But no.... I broke it off with him what? three? four years ago? I don't even remember anymore. And then I was single, and really pretty happy with it! It was fun! I was rather reluctant to enter into another "serious" long-term relationship with anyone... I had a few dates and a few flings, but nothing was ever serious, and I couldn't have been happier. Then Jon comes along and blows everything up again, and now I've been seeing him for a year.... and it's been nice... and he is a very good man, and good to me... would be a good provider.... but damn, we are getting old....
A big chunk of me wants things to just stay this way, though. I like adventuring. I like doing crazy (stupid?) things. I like not being responsible for anyone but myself. A little bit of me thinks it would be nice to be pouring all my energy and resources into the well-being of another human being, a little new one, but most of me really doesn't care that much about it. I just keep wondering, what will it be like if that shifts over to where I REALLY want to breed, but it is too late? Or, what if that day never comes? I guess that is good, I can just have fun.... but then someday I might have regrets for the things I DIDN'T do.... That's the stuff people always regret... not the things they did, but the things they never did.... I hate not knowing. I hate not being sure what I am going to want in the future. I guess all I can do is relax and live in the here and now and hope I am making the best choices.
OK, I'm exhausted. I really am done for now.
I need to re-take the GRE. I took it during my senior year, when I was busy with about 20 credits of upper-level courses, and just never got to study for it enough. It seriously is the stupidest thing I've ever seen though. They test things that I learned in high school, and never had to think about since then, nor will I ever really have to, especially in grad school. I mean, in archaeology, for instance, the ONLY math we need to know is what the diagonal on a 1 m sq. unit will be (1.414 m) .... I think it has something to do with Pythagorean theorem? And how to approximate measurements in cm and m, like for digging 5 cm arbitrary levels, or for pacing off approx. 25 m for doing a topo map or something. How am I supposed to remember all that crazy algebra and geometry, when I seriously hadn't used it in 7+ years? What does it have to do with my graduate work anyway? (Nothing, that's what.) But still, I'd like to score higher, unless I can get my acceptance guaranteed anyway. I need to talk to Jon's uncle who has friends in the linguistics dept. at U of M.....
Also, I never got the scores on my essays for the GRE. No idea why. No idea if any of the schools I had my test scores sent to got them either. I think they are supposed to arrive 6 weeks after taking the exam, but it's been what? a year and a half almost? Yeah, that's weird. And if I want "duplicate" test scores, I have to pay for them. Can't find a place on the website to answer "What if I never GOT them??" .... Again, I really should just contact the U and see if they ever got there.
I have a headache. I wish I had some spinach here. I'd make a salad.... with strawberries. Mmm. And a nice raspberry vinagrette. Damn, that's always one of my favorite salads. Maybe some sunflower seeds, too. Or slivered almonds. Mmmmmmmm.
OK, that's all I have to get off my chest for now. Even if I make up my mind RIGHT NOW that I will go back to school ASAP and get accepted and everything, the soonest I could start would be Fall semester of 2006..... so it'll be a while.... maybe I can get some of my other ducks in a row by then, too. Well, my ducks aren't really that unorganized... hmmm......
Wait, no, I have more! Breeding! What if I decide I want to have kids! I don't believe in daycare, and it would be hard to do graduate school and be a full time mother.... and let's assume I stay with Jon and he's the father (duh), I know he is willing to be a stay-at-home dad if that was ever the need, but I frankly don't think he could do the best job! heheh..... Not that he's incompetent or uncaring, but I have this need to be the Mama Bear in Control of the Homelife, and Head Home Administrator in Charge of All Childrearing and Household Activities.... or something. And he totally respects that, and would actually prefer that I do it simply because I'm GOOD at it (as opposed to him.) Yay me! But back to the point, it would be hard to be working on an advanced degree and probably teaching a few classes and parenting in the way that I believe parenting should be done in my household.
It's not as easy as saying I could get the degree and THEN start a family, because I am getting OLD dammit! I used to tell myself that I would be done having any and all children I will be having by age 30. That's looking less and less likely. I will be 28 at the end of this year, and am not even close to engaged, and then I would really like to have a few married years without kids, and THEN start breeding. The longest relationship I was in was 3 years or so with Darren, and if that had worked out, I'd be on the right track. But no.... I broke it off with him what? three? four years ago? I don't even remember anymore. And then I was single, and really pretty happy with it! It was fun! I was rather reluctant to enter into another "serious" long-term relationship with anyone... I had a few dates and a few flings, but nothing was ever serious, and I couldn't have been happier. Then Jon comes along and blows everything up again, and now I've been seeing him for a year.... and it's been nice... and he is a very good man, and good to me... would be a good provider.... but damn, we are getting old....
A big chunk of me wants things to just stay this way, though. I like adventuring. I like doing crazy (stupid?) things. I like not being responsible for anyone but myself. A little bit of me thinks it would be nice to be pouring all my energy and resources into the well-being of another human being, a little new one, but most of me really doesn't care that much about it. I just keep wondering, what will it be like if that shifts over to where I REALLY want to breed, but it is too late? Or, what if that day never comes? I guess that is good, I can just have fun.... but then someday I might have regrets for the things I DIDN'T do.... That's the stuff people always regret... not the things they did, but the things they never did.... I hate not knowing. I hate not being sure what I am going to want in the future. I guess all I can do is relax and live in the here and now and hope I am making the best choices.
OK, I'm exhausted. I really am done for now.
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no subject
Date: 2005-02-14 10:27 am (UTC)As for the kids and marriage, I’m jealous. Sometimes I think that I would like to get started on that path, however every time I enter into a “serious” relationship, I end up sabotaging it, making the pool of women who hate me even larger. Someday I’ll get there, however I’ll have to figure out why I keep messing up good relationships before I do.